First Kill
by honu59
Summary: In this missing scene from "And They Painted Daisies on his Coffin," Steve remembers the first time he killed a man. This one-shot (no pun intended) is a response to a writing challenge.


Dialogue from the first season episode "And They Painted Daisies on his Coffin":

 **Danny:** _It's a stinking job._

 **Steve:** _Who told you it was anything else?_

 **Danny:** _He was just a boy, Steve, a boy. Probably never even had to shave._

 **Steve:** _You think it's any easier to kill a grown man? You think the next one will be easier than this one? God help you if you do. It better hurt every time. It better tear your guts out every time you pull that gun, whether you use it or not. You learn to live with it, but don't get used to it._

 **First Kill**

It was well past midnight. With so much on his mind, Steve McGarrett was restless and continued to shift his position under the covers. He hated what Danno was going through; it was plain to see the effect that Thad Vaughn's death was having on his young second in command. There were so many questions.

 _Even if the shooting is deemed justified, this incident may haunt Danno for the rest of his life._ _Will he survive? He's such a good cop and has so much potential. This could make or break him. Hell, there are cops who go through their entire careers without ever firing a gun in the line of duty. It's a damned shame! And what happened to the gun? Where's the girl?_

Finally, his exhausted body took precedence over his mental search for answers that didn't exist. He fell into a deep sleep, and his mind drifted into his past, to a time when he was even younger than Danno…

o-o-o

"Bless me, father, for I have sinned." He finished crossing himself and continued, "It's been three months since my last confession." Steve's voice was quiet but strained. He'd been holding this inside since it had happened; it was eating him alive and he wasn't sure why. But the base's chaplain was a friend and Steve trusted him.

" _Tell me about your sins, Lieutenant."_

Steve stiffened at the memory, but he managed to get it out. "I killed a man."

In truth, the chaplain already knew about the incident. It certainly wasn't a secret. In fact, Lieutenant McGarrett was considered a hero by many, including his commanding officer. But it was time to hear Steve's version.

" _Tell me what happened, Steve."_

The young officer cleared his throat and began.

"It was after our ship went down, before we were captured by the North Koreans. There were five of us in the lifeboat, including Captain Peters. One of the men was wounded and the captain was doing what he could for him. It was dark, except for what little moonlight there was and the flames from the ship that attacked us; they were hit and burning. I happened to glance up at the ship just as one of their crew was about to lob a grenade directly at our lifeboat."

Steve paused, reliving the moment that so haunted him. "I didn't really think, father; I just reacted. I grabbed the captain's service revolver and fired. The man went down and a second later, his grenade exploded."

In a voice barely audible, Steve continued. "Father, I saw his face in the moonlight. I can still see his eyes. He was somebody's son, maybe somebody's brother. He was so young. And I killed him."

The navy chaplain listened intently then thought for a few moments before he responded.

" _Steve, we are at war. It's a sad fact that in war, young men are killed. That's why wars are to be avoided at all cost."_

After another interval of silence, the priest continued.

" _Steve, do you know what the fifth commandment is?"_

"Thou shalt not kill," the lieutenant replied immediately.

" _That's what most people think it is. But from the original Hebrew, a better translation is 'Thou shalt not murder.' There's a big difference. Murder is deliberately taking the life of an innocent human being without justification. Steve, what you did saved the life of your CO and all the men on that lifeboat. You had no choice. It was not murder. You broke no commandment."_

"Then why do I feel so guilty, father?"

Though Steve couldn't see it behind the screen of the confessional, the chaplain smiled poignantly at the young officer's question.

" _It's because you're human, Steve. And because you hold life as sacred. It would be far worse if you felt nothing. I've seen that happen to some military men, and I pray that it never happens to you."_

"What should I do now? How do I go on with this on my conscience?"

" _Place your trust in God, Steve. You will learn to live with it, with His help. But you won't get used to it. Pray that you don't get used to it. Hold on to your humanity and continue to see it in others."_

o-o-o

"Learn to live with it, don't get used to it…" Steve mumbled in his sleep. They were hard words; hard when he had heard them years ago and equality hard when he had delivered them to Danno just yesterday. _Danno…_

He saw so much of himself in Williams. Steve had found the strength to serve and protect the public, even if that meant taking a life on occasion. And he was willing to bet that Danno would find that strength as well.

 **Pau**


End file.
